I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
