We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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