Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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