There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
