I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
