Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you will always have a special place in my vag
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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