I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
