There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Someone shattered a urinal.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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