I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
