The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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