I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He shit in the fireplace
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