i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
