her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
