I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
