I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
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