i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
