Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
