Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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