your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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