Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
