You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He shit in the fireplace
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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