So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
