I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
