Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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