new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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