i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
