We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
