Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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