i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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