I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
