I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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