She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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