i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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