So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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