Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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