i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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