I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
