Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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