i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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