Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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