So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
