You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
