do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
