Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
