so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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