you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
