Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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