I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
