I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
