Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
