I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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